The Truth Hurts

college, life, love

You’re not who you thought you’d be.

He’s not who he said he was.

They didn’t care as much as you wanted them to.

Life is harder than you were prepared for.

Dreams die quicker than they should.

Sleep is way too fleeting.

Rest is almost impossible.

And somewhere along the way you just gave up.

But maybe you are who you’re supposed to be?

Yeah he sucked, but maybe the next guy won’t?

They weren’t your real friends and you knew it.

Disney is bullshit.

Dreams only die if you let them.

I mean, basically, you still won’t sleep.

Make time for rest. Demand it.

Giving up is not an option. Pour some coffee, turn on some music, put on some red lipstick and get your ass out there.

Living

college, life, love

Sometimes life really likes to try and get you down. You start to feel as if that next fake smile might be the one to finally shatter your soul, and unleash the flood of emotions you’ve been holding back.

It’s like we’re all walking down one long New York City street. Where everyone is walking the same way, fast, and with a purpose. No one looks up or around; they just keep walking. But then something happens. Loss, a break up, a failure, and you’re forced to stop. You look around at where you are and realize it’s not at all where you thought you’d be. Everyone is still walking around you and you’re just standing, taking inventory. It’s scary and lonely, but oh so necessary.

You see, some people never look up. They let the flow of people pull them in the direction they think is forward. They forgot to treasure life because they’re always just trying to get to the next block. When your little bubble of false security is burst, you have a rare opportunity to choose the direction you want to go.

It’s terrifying realizing just how fragile and short life is. We have no control over that, only God knows. You may even feel paralyzed because of your new found knowledge, but you can’t let it bring you down. It’s meant to lift you up! To elevate you to new heights that you never even imagined before.

This is when my only knowledge of Lost comes in: Allow yourself to be scared for five seconds. And then get out there and live your life.

One…Two…Three…Four…Five…

Remembering

college, life, love

I remember that day like it was happening right now.

It’s forever seared into my memory, gripping my mind so tight, I feel as if it might choke it.

It went along like any other day.

I thought there would be some feeling, almost a warning. That I would know.

But I didn’t.

I didn’t know anything.

I was blissfully ignorant.

Everyone else knew, but no one wanted to tell me.

They just couldn’t spoil my day; until they had to.

I remember looking into her eyes.

That’s when I knew.

There was no warning.

Only a tsunami of feelings.

Hatred. Regret. Fear. Denial. Anger. Sadness.

I couldn’t even hear the words coming out of her mouth.

I remember them, I just can’t remember hearing them.

The only thing I could hear was this internal scream, bubbling up from the depths of my soul, but not able to escape my mouth.

I saw the words she was saying. And that’s when I ran.

I ran.

Only to the edge of the water.

But I ran.

I ran to you. From you. Around you.

And then I collapsed.

I collapsed in the sand yes, but also into every emotion that was pulling me down.

I collapsed into myself.

I hated you. I couldn’t believe you would leave me.

You. Who was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.

You left without me, to a place I couldn’t follow you to.

Oh I tried didn’t I?

But I still couldn’t come.

I regretted, and still do, all the time I didn’t spend with you.

I was afraid of this brave new world without you.

While I was only a fraction of your life, you were the entirety of mine.

I didn’t believe it, and sometimes still don’t.

My anger drove me to places, and left me there for dead.

But my sadness, it likes to sweep in and out of my life.

It takes my breath in its cold hands and locks it up tight.

It presses on my eyes until I’m forced to relieved the pressure with tears.

It drills a neat, little hole in the center of my heart. Just enough to hurt, but not enough to kill.

You see, I remember that day like I was living it right now, and today, I am.

 

Is This All There Is?

Boys, college, life, love, Uncategorized

 

Sorry, this is not a “Merry Christmas” post or a “Happy Birthday Jesus” post, no this is a “Wtf?!” post. This is a “I’m fed freaking up” post. A “Beyond done” post.

Is this really all there is? Is this the famed “dating game”? Have we really devolved so much that now I have to introduce myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Ali, you are single right?” Are relationships so unimportant that cheating is just a concept?

And I’m not talking about sleeping with other people. Cheating is more than that; I’m talking about the flirting. You know what I’m saying… The kind of flirting you wouldn’t do in front of your significant other–nor should you do in their absence!

I’m sorry, but I’m just a little confused. Disney and Hallmark shoved this whole knight-in-shining-armor BS down my throat, my entire life, and I just thought things would be a little different. Not this toad pond that I find myself wading through.

What happened to romance? Respect?? Honor??? And I’m not the most Notebook quoting girl on the block, but I know that there has to be something better than this… Isn’t there?

I didn’t expect some golden-haired god to come sweeping me off my feet, but I thought that he might be single at least.

I didn’t think there would be a boom-box blasting outside of my bedroom window, but I believed someone would look at me with admiration instead of lust.

I don’t think all guys are pigs, but damn could they get it together a little?

And no, I will not excuse their behavior. I don’t care if you’re worldly, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, or nothing at all, it doesn’t matter if you’re 5 or 95, you have no excuse to act like a buffoon when it comes to girls or women.

We’re not that confusing. We like to be hugged, kissed, held, and chocolate. Not too much to ask, right? I feel like men just have this already defeated attitude when it comes to women. We really don’t bite…Hard.

I mean if you want to approach me, be a man about it, but not an a**hole. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I’M GOING TO DO. Ask me if I would like to do something, and if I say no, GO AWAY.

I know that sometimes it takes trial and error to learn your way of talking to women, I get that. But it just seems like guys these day don’t understand the learning from your mistakes part. They’re like Einstein’s theory of insane.

Look I’m not trying to man hate, but it’s high time they get called out on some stuff! In the end you really need to be four things: Kind, courteous, respectful, and for the love of all things, be single!

 

That’s What Love Is

college, love

 

Because that’s what love is…

It’s a weekend. It’s a day. It’s an exasperating moment.

A flicker, a glimpse, an impression of something not fully understood.

A ghost, haunting from the heart’s past.

A flittering hope that slips through the grasp, so that it is never truly had.

It pokes and prods, tantalizing, teasing.

You taste, but you cannot savor.

You can look, but you can’t touch.

“Feel me!” Screams the heart. “Grab me and never let me go.”

But ones fingers will falter. Emotions which once burned a brilliant red, begin to cool.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, nor next week, but one day you will wake up and realize that all you have left are your memories.

So that’s what love is; painful, finicky, and unfortunately worth it.

That’s what love is, and it sucks…

Dear Best Friend

college, friendship, life, love

images-6

Dear Best Friend,

Wow. How did we get here?

Facebook.

We met on Facebook; we just happened to comment on the same post.

We saw each other once for coffee before coming out to school, under the guise of just having a familiar face on campus. I think the truth was that both of us were terrified of not having anyone.

Our friendship was born out of necessity, that much at least has not changed. Well, that’s true for me.

I need your friendship like peanut butter needs jelly. Like yin needs yang. And like a fish need water.

In other words, I would be completely lost without you.

Maybe you feel the same about me, but it’s ok if you don’t.

I never expected to care about someone this much, especially not someone I just met a year ago.

I love how if you tell the story of when we first met, you’ll say that you thought I hated you… Nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s so funny how only two weeks into our friendship, we had our first fight. Over something silly, but seemingly huge at the time.

The truth is that even two weeks into knowing you, I understood that you would be someone very important in my life. And that scared me.

I didn’t want to need you or your friendship. I was happy with my walls, they kept be safe. I couldn’t let you hurt me because that’s exactly what I knew you would do…

Fast forward one year and we’re right back to where we started: Fighting.

The past three days have been the worst probably in my life. I thought you hated me. That I would never be able to call you my best friend again. That everything you said to me was a lie.

I truly, honestly believed that.

Maybe I was being dramatic or overreactive, but that’s what you do when someone you love ignores you.

You freak out, and think of all the worst case scenarios out there, and then some.

I thought about how you wouldn’t be there at my wedding, giving a killer toast. Or how I wouldn’t be your kids’ Godmother and teaching them how to bake amazing cookies.

I thought about how sometimes the only safe place in this world to me is your hot, little dorm room.

You inspire me best friend.

You have more than helped me to become a better person, and for that I cannot thank you enough. And I thought I wouldn’t have the chance.

I don’t know where we go from here, I just know it can’t be back, but hopefully forward.

I also know that I love you best friend, and no matter how many fights, years, boyfriends, or girlfriends may separate us, I will always hold that love in my heart for you.

Love,

Your Best Friend

Isn’t it funny…

Uncategorized

Isn’t it funny how life can go? Sometimes I like to think of myself as comic relief for God. And this isn’t me being cynical or hating on God, it’s just how I feel sometimes. I mean, I’m clumsy, I say the wrong things at the very wrong times, I forget really important things, and remember every embarrassing moment, I have wardrobe malfunctions constantly, and I make mistakes daily. All the while I can just picture God laughing at most of these. But not for the reasons you would think….

How many times does the Bible tell us not to worry? (I haven’t counted, but I’m sure it’s a lot). And how often do we actually adhere the that? (If you’re me, not very often). Honestly, God dresses the lilies* and how beautiful are they, and yet we worry about laughter lines and love-handles?! How often do we spend every waking moment engulfed in the chasms that life likes to throw at us? I will use USC as an example. Here, everyone is an overachiever. If you don’t work three jobs, have two internships, multiple leadership positions, are part of greek life, and taking 18 units, do you even go to USC? The name of the game is Don’t Let Them See You Sweat. You have to look like you have it all together, even after your fifth all-nighter. In reality, we are hurting. We’re tired. We’re lonely. Wanna know why we have such a huge hookup culture? It’s because no one really has time for relationships now, but they still go to sleep feeling the emptiness of their beds and long for connection. So they go and get it Thursday-Saturday night from any person willing to walk back to their room with them.

We worry about jobs, and not having them after graduation. We worry about all of our money going to student loans for the rest of our lives. (Yes) We even worry about how our parents perceive us, and if they are proud of us. I once heard one of my college prep high school teachers tell me how he didn’t want his children going to a school like ours. He said, “I’ve seen too many 17/18 year olds burned out by the system, and I don’t want my kids to go through the same.” That’s pretty powerful. 17 and 18 year olds, who haven’t even really started life, are burned out.

This was not how it was supposed to be. We weren’t created to deal with this kind of stress and worry. We don’t even see all of the blessings in our lives, because we’re too wrapped up in our own heads.

So, when I picture God looking down at my life, I see him laughing, not because of all the completely, ridiculously, embarrassing things I do (everyday), but because I have so many adjectives for those moments… God, the creator of the universe, overseer of over 7 billion people, does not worry. And we, the receivers of His glory, worry about everything. I can literally hear God saying, “If you only knew…” So take today, take tomorrow, take forever, and calm down. Find things that bring you joy, and do them! Want to learn how to speak Chinese, take a class. Want to travel, get in the car and go. We aren’t promised tomorrow, so take your peace and go live. Isn’t it funny how simple life could be? *Matthew 6:28