The Girl in the Porcelain Doll

college, friendship, God, illness, life, love

If I had a dollar for every time someone commended me on being “strong”, I’d be a very rich woman.

In our society, being strong means balancing everything and everyone without breaking a sweat.

It means sleep deprivation and a borderline serious addiction to coffee.

It means meeting deadlines, no matter the cost to your sanity; or relationships.

It means not falling apart when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Sometimes I feel like a girl trapped inside a porcelain doll. I can feel myself beginning to crack; trying to escape this emotional prison, but I patch myself up time and again, for the fear that if I shatter, who will be there to pick up the pieces?

If I fall apart, who will hold the others together?

If I’m not Superwoman, who’s going to save the day?

But I’m not Superwoman.

I’m just a woman.

Sometimes, I just can’t withstand the pressure.

Sometimes, those few little cracks happen in the right places, and I can’t tape them back together; I shatter.

Sometimes, I’m PMSing with a stomach bug, missing deadlines, can’t clean my apartment, don’t have energy for love or friendship, and go through a great loss.

The mind is a fragile, terrifying, beautiful place. It is the entirety of you; it is the seat of your soul.

My mind is frazzled. My mind is tired of hiding emotions that I push aside because, “I just don’t have time to fall apart right now.”

My soul is tired. It’s tired of straining to hold up the mask .

My mouth is weary. It cannot utter the words, “I’m fine,” one more time.

So this is me being honest. This is me falling apart. This is me crying out the tears that have been burning a whole sitting in my stomach. This is me pouring out the emotions that have turned to bile and started to poison my heart.

This is me breaking free from my porcelain frame.

This is being strong.

 

 

 

Advertisements

I’m Still Me

betrue, college, life

I’m still me…

With the crazy, frizzy, curly hair.

I’m still me, with the imperfect boobs.

I’m still me, with a muffin top.

I’m still me, with the giant zit.

I’m still me, without makeup.

I’m still me, with sweatpants on.

I’m still me, with the stretch marks.

I’m still me, during the mood swings.

I’m still me, when the dark moments come.

I’m still me, when you don’t see my worth.

I’m still me, when you do.

I’m still me, when I don’t know who ‘me’ is.

I’m still me, when I’m just…me.

The Feeling

college, life, love

There’s a special kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain where you can feel every pulse of your heartbeat, and with every breath that draws your chest upward, it’s like a thousand knifes bearing deeper into your soul.

All your nerve endings are on fire; searing, burning, screaming fire.

Then the tears come. Fast and hard. They fall from your face like fat goblets of truth. They burn your eyes as they leave them, further validating the pain you feel.

Then the screaming comes. Gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, ear-ringing screaming.

Finally, you’re so exhausted that all you can muster is a pitiful “please.” You silently plead with God, asking Him for them not to be gone.

But you know it’s for naught. And as you lay with your spent body in pieces the screaming will cease, the tears will dry up, your nerve endings will relax, and the pain will dull.

Because now it comes in moments, and you know that all you have to do is make it through.

The Truth Hurts

college, life, love

You’re not who you thought you’d be.

He’s not who he said he was.

They didn’t care as much as you wanted them to.

Life is harder than you were prepared for.

Dreams die quicker than they should.

Sleep is way too fleeting.

Rest is almost impossible.

And somewhere along the way you just gave up.

But maybe you are who you’re supposed to be?

Yeah he sucked, but maybe the next guy won’t?

They weren’t your real friends and you knew it.

Disney is bullshit.

Dreams only die if you let them.

I mean, basically, you still won’t sleep.

Make time for rest. Demand it.

Giving up is not an option. Pour some coffee, turn on some music, put on some red lipstick and get your ass out there.

Spring Retreat….

Uncategorized

Nature is good for the soul… I’m sure that’s some sort of famous quote or something. I normally don’t identify myself as nature inclined, but I have to say that after living in LA for six months, I was beyond excited to see some green, and some stars!

For those of you that don’t know, I’m a part of an A-mazing Christian organization here on USC’s campus called Cru (formerly, Campus Crusades). Every fall and spring, Cru puts together a retreat; nothing crazy, just some Jesus loving people out away from school and getting some great hipster pictures for Instagram.

This past weekend we had our spring retreat (for those of you currently living in the Arctic, sorry the “East Coast”, it’s pretty much spring here #sorrynotsorry). What does spring retreat entail, you ask? Well, basically, over 80 college students packed their Bibles (and cameras) and heading to Santa Barbara for some “glamping”*. We spent two bitterly cold nights learning more about not only Jesus, but each other…. One of the greatest tools of the enemy is isolation; he wants us to feel alone, or like we’re the only people dealing with certain things. When, in reality, so many of us are hurting in the same way, and if we could just take 5 seconds of courage and be vulnerable with one another, there would be so much healing.

So to say that God showed up and showed out is a complete understatement. So much was broken in me, that I came back feeling 10lbs lighter! My eyes were open, my heart was softened, and my soul was refreshed.

Another wonderful tidbit of information: I brought along a friend with me, who God has definitely placed in my life, and at the beginning of the weekend she was agnostic; she left on Sunday believing in God and starving for more of His truth. Being completely honest, I was in tears just watching the beauty of one of His lost sheep being returned to the fold, and the fact the God intrusted me to help in that mission. I have not felt like the best daughter lately, but it just goes to show that we are not the ones who qualify us, God qualifies us. We don’t determine if/when we are worthy, Jesus died and declared we are always worthy. And we can’t decide when we deserve love, God is love and He said that we deserve Him.

So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, or undeserving, or unlovable, or any of the other many lies Satan throws at us, maybe you need a little spring retreat of your own! And if you can’t get to nature (I mean, snow), then get out your Bible, pour some coffee (or tea I guess), turn off the phone, GET OFF FACEBOOK, and spend some time being kind to your soul. He will remind you of who and who’s you are, and that your life is justified because of Jeremiah 1:5–go read it. I love you, God loves you, and that’s all that matters!

*Glamping= Glamour camping; this may or may not entail queen size beds, heaters, and indoor plumbing…But there are still bugs! images-1

Isn’t it funny…

Uncategorized

Isn’t it funny how life can go? Sometimes I like to think of myself as comic relief for God. And this isn’t me being cynical or hating on God, it’s just how I feel sometimes. I mean, I’m clumsy, I say the wrong things at the very wrong times, I forget really important things, and remember every embarrassing moment, I have wardrobe malfunctions constantly, and I make mistakes daily. All the while I can just picture God laughing at most of these. But not for the reasons you would think….

How many times does the Bible tell us not to worry? (I haven’t counted, but I’m sure it’s a lot). And how often do we actually adhere the that? (If you’re me, not very often). Honestly, God dresses the lilies* and how beautiful are they, and yet we worry about laughter lines and love-handles?! How often do we spend every waking moment engulfed in the chasms that life likes to throw at us? I will use USC as an example. Here, everyone is an overachiever. If you don’t work three jobs, have two internships, multiple leadership positions, are part of greek life, and taking 18 units, do you even go to USC? The name of the game is Don’t Let Them See You Sweat. You have to look like you have it all together, even after your fifth all-nighter. In reality, we are hurting. We’re tired. We’re lonely. Wanna know why we have such a huge hookup culture? It’s because no one really has time for relationships now, but they still go to sleep feeling the emptiness of their beds and long for connection. So they go and get it Thursday-Saturday night from any person willing to walk back to their room with them.

We worry about jobs, and not having them after graduation. We worry about all of our money going to student loans for the rest of our lives. (Yes) We even worry about how our parents perceive us, and if they are proud of us. I once heard one of my college prep high school teachers tell me how he didn’t want his children going to a school like ours. He said, “I’ve seen too many 17/18 year olds burned out by the system, and I don’t want my kids to go through the same.” That’s pretty powerful. 17 and 18 year olds, who haven’t even really started life, are burned out.

This was not how it was supposed to be. We weren’t created to deal with this kind of stress and worry. We don’t even see all of the blessings in our lives, because we’re too wrapped up in our own heads.

So, when I picture God looking down at my life, I see him laughing, not because of all the completely, ridiculously, embarrassing things I do (everyday), but because I have so many adjectives for those moments… God, the creator of the universe, overseer of over 7 billion people, does not worry. And we, the receivers of His glory, worry about everything. I can literally hear God saying, “If you only knew…” So take today, take tomorrow, take forever, and calm down. Find things that bring you joy, and do them! Want to learn how to speak Chinese, take a class. Want to travel, get in the car and go. We aren’t promised tomorrow, so take your peace and go live. Isn’t it funny how simple life could be? *Matthew 6:28