The Girl in the Porcelain Doll

college, friendship, God, illness, life, love

If I had a dollar for every time someone commended me on being “strong”, I’d be a very rich woman.

In our society, being strong means balancing everything and everyone without breaking a sweat.

It means sleep deprivation and a borderline serious addiction to coffee.

It means meeting deadlines, no matter the cost to your sanity; or relationships.

It means not falling apart when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Sometimes I feel like a girl trapped inside a porcelain doll. I can feel myself beginning to crack; trying to escape this emotional prison, but I patch myself up time and again, for the fear that if I shatter, who will be there to pick up the pieces?

If I fall apart, who will hold the others together?

If I’m not Superwoman, who’s going to save the day?

But I’m not Superwoman.

I’m just a woman.

Sometimes, I just can’t withstand the pressure.

Sometimes, those few little cracks happen in the right places, and I can’t tape them back together; I shatter.

Sometimes, I’m PMSing with a stomach bug, missing deadlines, can’t clean my apartment, don’t have energy for love or friendship, and go through a great loss.

The mind is a fragile, terrifying, beautiful place. It is the entirety of you; it is the seat of your soul.

My mind is frazzled. My mind is tired of hiding emotions that I push aside because, “I just don’t have time to fall apart right now.”

My soul is tired. It’s tired of straining to hold up the mask .

My mouth is weary. It cannot utter the words, “I’m fine,” one more time.

So this is me being honest. This is me falling apart. This is me crying out the tears that have been burning a whole sitting in my stomach. This is me pouring out the emotions that have turned to bile and started to poison my heart.

This is me breaking free from my porcelain frame.

This is being strong.

 

 

 

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Wondering

college, illness, life

I very often wonder about people…I wonder about the kind of life they live. I wonder if they have people they love and that love them. And sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to them to make them so damn awful.

Today, I wondered about the latter… It was earlier this afternoon. I was shopping with my–very hip–grandmother, when it hit me: A bathroom emergency (for all of my Crohns and Colitis friends, you know what I mean). I promptly left the store to find a restroom. Without going into too much detail, because let’s be honest no one wants details, I was accosted by a bathroom attendant who not only saw it fit to shame me in my current unfortunate circumstance, but also thought it was necessary to inform the rest of the bathroom patrons as to what was going on….

I’m not a violent person. Aside from very understandable road rage, I rarely raise my voice or yell at people. I’ve never cussed someone out (to their face), I’ve never hit anyone. I honestly just try to be kind, even to the assholes. I was that way today, even in the midst of her berating me, I tried my best to keep my peace and my composure, because, I wondered to myself, “Maybe something really bad happened to her to make her respond this way to me.”

I quickly left the bathroom thoroughly traumatized, and just ready to leave the mall entirely. When I recounted this interaction to my mother, she was obviously outraged (I’m just glad she wasn’t with me, pretty sure mall security would have been called…) but more than that she wanted me to understand something: I have nothing to be ashamed of, and moreover, I should stand up for myself more.

Not a novel idea, no, but one to me. I like to keep quiet. I don’t yell, I don’t scream, but I can speak. And I should’ve spoken to that women today. Hell I wish I had spoken to all the people who have shamed, embarrassed, and discriminated against me because of this illness I have. And there have been many.

I wish this woman was just a one off event, but she’s not. She’s quite honestly the norm. What people don’t understand they tend to be hateful towards (please do not turn this into a political post, it’s not). No this post is about me. And my illness. It’s not fun to talk about, it’s not sexy, and unlike what Hollywood would like you to believe, I do not have an Augustus Waters waiting for me at the end of the day. And yet I’m still sick.

I don’t want to be, I don’t want to think of myself as disabled, but according to the government, I am. I hate not being free to do everything people my age should be able to do. I’ve never liked the word no. And still, here I am.

Sure, it could be worse. I could have a potentially fatal, incurable disease that takes over my life at the most inopportune of times. Oh wait…

So, what should you take away from all of this, truthfully? I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to rant. Maybe it’s for someone who should be kinder to the people they don’t understand. And maybe no one will even read this, but it’s here. And just like my disease, it’s real.

The Fog

college, life, Uncategorized

It rolls in, smooth and sure of itself like a lion stalking its prey.

You don’t see it coming though. It hits you all at once.

One moment you can see and the next you’re blinded by your own thoughts.

It’s thick and unforgiving.

The sun is completely shut out and confusion swirls around you.

You try to remember the moments before the fog set in, it’s impossible though.

Your mind is entirely clouded with fragments of thought. Nothing truly complete, just little snippets here and there.

Only enough to shroud you, but never so that you can fully understand what’s going through your brain.

You try to tell yourself that this won’t last forever, things will go back to normal, but then the thought comes in: “What is normal?”

So then you wonder if this is normal. Is the fog friend or foe? You don’t know. You don’t know anything.

You forget what it was you were thinking about seconds after it crosses your mind.

But then, just as quickly as it came, the fog swiftly and deftly rolls out of your mind and things are clear.

You look around and see that once again the landscape of your mind has changed.

And just like when you have to clean up after a storm tears through a town, you begin the reconstruction of yourself.

Look, the sun is out again.

 

 

The Feeling

college, life, love

There’s a special kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain where you can feel every pulse of your heartbeat, and with every breath that draws your chest upward, it’s like a thousand knifes bearing deeper into your soul.

All your nerve endings are on fire; searing, burning, screaming fire.

Then the tears come. Fast and hard. They fall from your face like fat goblets of truth. They burn your eyes as they leave them, further validating the pain you feel.

Then the screaming comes. Gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, ear-ringing screaming.

Finally, you’re so exhausted that all you can muster is a pitiful “please.” You silently plead with God, asking Him for them not to be gone.

But you know it’s for naught. And as you lay with your spent body in pieces the screaming will cease, the tears will dry up, your nerve endings will relax, and the pain will dull.

Because now it comes in moments, and you know that all you have to do is make it through.

The Truth Hurts

college, life, love

You’re not who you thought you’d be.

He’s not who he said he was.

They didn’t care as much as you wanted them to.

Life is harder than you were prepared for.

Dreams die quicker than they should.

Sleep is way too fleeting.

Rest is almost impossible.

And somewhere along the way you just gave up.

But maybe you are who you’re supposed to be?

Yeah he sucked, but maybe the next guy won’t?

They weren’t your real friends and you knew it.

Disney is bullshit.

Dreams only die if you let them.

I mean, basically, you still won’t sleep.

Make time for rest. Demand it.

Giving up is not an option. Pour some coffee, turn on some music, put on some red lipstick and get your ass out there.

Remembering

college, life, love

I remember that day like it was happening right now.

It’s forever seared into my memory, gripping my mind so tight, I feel as if it might choke it.

It went along like any other day.

I thought there would be some feeling, almost a warning. That I would know.

But I didn’t.

I didn’t know anything.

I was blissfully ignorant.

Everyone else knew, but no one wanted to tell me.

They just couldn’t spoil my day; until they had to.

I remember looking into her eyes.

That’s when I knew.

There was no warning.

Only a tsunami of feelings.

Hatred. Regret. Fear. Denial. Anger. Sadness.

I couldn’t even hear the words coming out of her mouth.

I remember them, I just can’t remember hearing them.

The only thing I could hear was this internal scream, bubbling up from the depths of my soul, but not able to escape my mouth.

I saw the words she was saying. And that’s when I ran.

I ran.

Only to the edge of the water.

But I ran.

I ran to you. From you. Around you.

And then I collapsed.

I collapsed in the sand yes, but also into every emotion that was pulling me down.

I collapsed into myself.

I hated you. I couldn’t believe you would leave me.

You. Who was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.

You left without me, to a place I couldn’t follow you to.

Oh I tried didn’t I?

But I still couldn’t come.

I regretted, and still do, all the time I didn’t spend with you.

I was afraid of this brave new world without you.

While I was only a fraction of your life, you were the entirety of mine.

I didn’t believe it, and sometimes still don’t.

My anger drove me to places, and left me there for dead.

But my sadness, it likes to sweep in and out of my life.

It takes my breath in its cold hands and locks it up tight.

It presses on my eyes until I’m forced to relieved the pressure with tears.

It drills a neat, little hole in the center of my heart. Just enough to hurt, but not enough to kill.

You see, I remember that day like I was living it right now, and today, I am.

 

Is This All There Is?

Boys, college, life, love, Uncategorized

 

Sorry, this is not a “Merry Christmas” post or a “Happy Birthday Jesus” post, no this is a “Wtf?!” post. This is a “I’m fed freaking up” post. A “Beyond done” post.

Is this really all there is? Is this the famed “dating game”? Have we really devolved so much that now I have to introduce myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Ali, you are single right?” Are relationships so unimportant that cheating is just a concept?

And I’m not talking about sleeping with other people. Cheating is more than that; I’m talking about the flirting. You know what I’m saying… The kind of flirting you wouldn’t do in front of your significant other–nor should you do in their absence!

I’m sorry, but I’m just a little confused. Disney and Hallmark shoved this whole knight-in-shining-armor BS down my throat, my entire life, and I just thought things would be a little different. Not this toad pond that I find myself wading through.

What happened to romance? Respect?? Honor??? And I’m not the most Notebook quoting girl on the block, but I know that there has to be something better than this… Isn’t there?

I didn’t expect some golden-haired god to come sweeping me off my feet, but I thought that he might be single at least.

I didn’t think there would be a boom-box blasting outside of my bedroom window, but I believed someone would look at me with admiration instead of lust.

I don’t think all guys are pigs, but damn could they get it together a little?

And no, I will not excuse their behavior. I don’t care if you’re worldly, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, or nothing at all, it doesn’t matter if you’re 5 or 95, you have no excuse to act like a buffoon when it comes to girls or women.

We’re not that confusing. We like to be hugged, kissed, held, and chocolate. Not too much to ask, right? I feel like men just have this already defeated attitude when it comes to women. We really don’t bite…Hard.

I mean if you want to approach me, be a man about it, but not an a**hole. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I’M GOING TO DO. Ask me if I would like to do something, and if I say no, GO AWAY.

I know that sometimes it takes trial and error to learn your way of talking to women, I get that. But it just seems like guys these day don’t understand the learning from your mistakes part. They’re like Einstein’s theory of insane.

Look I’m not trying to man hate, but it’s high time they get called out on some stuff! In the end you really need to be four things: Kind, courteous, respectful, and for the love of all things, be single!

 

That’s What Love Is

college, love

 

Because that’s what love is…

It’s a weekend. It’s a day. It’s an exasperating moment.

A flicker, a glimpse, an impression of something not fully understood.

A ghost, haunting from the heart’s past.

A flittering hope that slips through the grasp, so that it is never truly had.

It pokes and prods, tantalizing, teasing.

You taste, but you cannot savor.

You can look, but you can’t touch.

“Feel me!” Screams the heart. “Grab me and never let me go.”

But ones fingers will falter. Emotions which once burned a brilliant red, begin to cool.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, nor next week, but one day you will wake up and realize that all you have left are your memories.

So that’s what love is; painful, finicky, and unfortunately worth it.

That’s what love is, and it sucks…

Timing…

college

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They say that timing is everything, and if you think about it, those people are right. From baking cookies, to falling for someone, timing can mean the difference between yummy deliciousness, and burnt horribleness (like my adjectives?).

The most common story of timing gone wrong, is the one where the boy falls for the girl, but the girl does not reciprocate (That can go the other way you know…). But what about the story where both parties involved have made known their affections for one another, but for whatever reason they still can’t be together. Maybe it’s because of family concerns, maybe it’s because of distance, or maybe–as in popular Shakespeare fashion–death comes in between the two love-birds.

I’m a firm believer in divine appointments, and seasons. Sometimes, those two things converge into a person. They’re the person whom you met in the most random way, or don’t even remember how you met at all. They’re the person who comes sweeping into your nice, comfortable life and turns everything upside-down. And they’re the person who you thought would never leave you, but as quickly as they appeared, sometimes they disappear even faster.

Some would say that the timing was off, that if you had just met at another point in time, in another place, etc, things would/could be different. But what if those people are wrong? What if, for some crazy reason, that person wasn’t meant to stay in your life forever? I call these people “seasonal”, because they come for a season–whether if to teach us something, or for us to teach them something, or even for just a few fond memories–and when that season is over, they start to wander away.

I’m finally starting to not only understand, but accept this as just “how the story goes” sometimes… Think of it this way, if you take the cookies out of the oven too early, they won’t be done, they’ll just be a gooey, hot mess (which depending on how you like your cookies isn’t a bad thing, but rabbit trail). However, if you leave them in the oven too long, they’ll burn (and I’m pretty sure no one likes burnt cookies; if you do, then ok, I guess). Same with people, take them out of your life too soon, and you could end up a gooey, hot mess, but leave them in your life after their time is up, and you both could end up getting burned…

Timing is everything, and unfortunately, sometimes we just don’t know who’s going to stay, and who has to go.

Love and Other Annoying Facts of Life….

Uncategorized

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So, Valentine’s Day is around the corner. And many of you are gearing up to either spend that contrived  blessed holiday with the one you love, or  eat your feelings (Aka be like me)! Because of this, I thought I would get into the spirit (you may laugh), and post a little something I jotted down the other day:

The Lover

     Let me tell you a little something about the “lover”…. The lover’s heart is too big for their chest. Their thoughts are constantly going to other people. Their bank account is especially drained around Valentine’s Day, Birthdays, and Christmas. They have many “friends”, and most people would describe them as pleasant, happy, always smiling… But the truth is something darker.

    Behind that smile is a broken and hurting person. The happiness and pleasant demeanor are there so that we don’t scare you away with our many (hidden) feelings. We are lonely. We love more than we get, and we love those whom most would deem “unlovable”. We give, and people take, and then we give more. We try to hold it together; we say that admiration and appreciation don’t matter, but actually they’re what we desire most. We long for a friend like ourselves; for a Lover of our souls.

    It’s so easy for us to fall into the traps of false love and unhealthy relationships. When we don’t seek the one great Lover, we begin to break down. Our hearts start to shatter, and the cracks in our “suit of armor” become deep valleys. We know how important it is to love, but we forget how to be loved.

    That’s when He comes to fill us. That’s when our smiles become true. And that’s when we can finally let ourselves feel loved. So, if you’re a lover, don’t be discouraged. Seek Him. Seek the Lord, and you will find the love that you so desperately desire. And if you know a lover, share some of your appreciation; you have no idea what a simple “thank you” could do.

    “But the greatest of these is love.”

                           -Jesus