Wondering

college, illness, life

I very often wonder about people…I wonder about the kind of life they live. I wonder if they have people they love and that love them. And sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to them to make them so damn awful.

Today, I wondered about the latter… It was earlier this afternoon. I was shopping with my–very hip–grandmother, when it hit me: A bathroom emergency (for all of my Crohns and Colitis friends, you know what I mean). I promptly left the store to find a restroom. Without going into too much detail, because let’s be honest no one wants details, I was accosted by a bathroom attendant who not only saw it fit to shame me in my current unfortunate circumstance, but also thought it was necessary to inform the rest of the bathroom patrons as to what was going on….

I’m not a violent person. Aside from very understandable road rage, I rarely raise my voice or yell at people. I’ve never cussed someone out (to their face), I’ve never hit anyone. I honestly just try to be kind, even to the assholes. I was that way today, even in the midst of her berating me, I tried my best to keep my peace and my composure, because, I wondered to myself, “Maybe something really bad happened to her to make her respond this way to me.”

I quickly left the bathroom thoroughly traumatized, and just ready to leave the mall entirely. When I recounted this interaction to my mother, she was obviously outraged (I’m just glad she wasn’t with me, pretty sure mall security would have been called…) but more than that she wanted me to understand something: I have nothing to be ashamed of, and moreover, I should stand up for myself more.

Not a novel idea, no, but one to me. I like to keep quiet. I don’t yell, I don’t scream, but I can speak. And I should’ve spoken to that women today. Hell I wish I had spoken to all the people who have shamed, embarrassed, and discriminated against me because of this illness I have. And there have been many.

I wish this woman was just a one off event, but she’s not. She’s quite honestly the norm. What people don’t understand they tend to be hateful towards (please do not turn this into a political post, it’s not). No this post is about me. And my illness. It’s not fun to talk about, it’s not sexy, and unlike what Hollywood would like you to believe, I do not have an Augustus Waters waiting for me at the end of the day. And yet I’m still sick.

I don’t want to be, I don’t want to think of myself as disabled, but according to the government, I am. I hate not being free to do everything people my age should be able to do. I’ve never liked the word no. And still, here I am.

Sure, it could be worse. I could have a potentially fatal, incurable disease that takes over my life at the most inopportune of times. Oh wait…

So, what should you take away from all of this, truthfully? I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to rant. Maybe it’s for someone who should be kinder to the people they don’t understand. And maybe no one will even read this, but it’s here. And just like my disease, it’s real.

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The Fog

college, life, Uncategorized

It rolls in, smooth and sure of itself like a lion stalking its prey.

You don’t see it coming though. It hits you all at once.

One moment you can see and the next you’re blinded by your own thoughts.

It’s thick and unforgiving.

The sun is completely shut out and confusion swirls around you.

You try to remember the moments before the fog set in, it’s impossible though.

Your mind is entirely clouded with fragments of thought. Nothing truly complete, just little snippets here and there.

Only enough to shroud you, but never so that you can fully understand what’s going through your brain.

You try to tell yourself that this won’t last forever, things will go back to normal, but then the thought comes in: “What is normal?”

So then you wonder if this is normal. Is the fog friend or foe? You don’t know. You don’t know anything.

You forget what it was you were thinking about seconds after it crosses your mind.

But then, just as quickly as it came, the fog swiftly and deftly rolls out of your mind and things are clear.

You look around and see that once again the landscape of your mind has changed.

And just like when you have to clean up after a storm tears through a town, you begin the reconstruction of yourself.

Look, the sun is out again.

 

 

The Feeling

college, life, love

There’s a special kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain where you can feel every pulse of your heartbeat, and with every breath that draws your chest upward, it’s like a thousand knifes bearing deeper into your soul.

All your nerve endings are on fire; searing, burning, screaming fire.

Then the tears come. Fast and hard. They fall from your face like fat goblets of truth. They burn your eyes as they leave them, further validating the pain you feel.

Then the screaming comes. Gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, ear-ringing screaming.

Finally, you’re so exhausted that all you can muster is a pitiful “please.” You silently plead with God, asking Him for them not to be gone.

But you know it’s for naught. And as you lay with your spent body in pieces the screaming will cease, the tears will dry up, your nerve endings will relax, and the pain will dull.

Because now it comes in moments, and you know that all you have to do is make it through.

Living

college, life, love

Sometimes life really likes to try and get you down. You start to feel as if that next fake smile might be the one to finally shatter your soul, and unleash the flood of emotions you’ve been holding back.

It’s like we’re all walking down one long New York City street. Where everyone is walking the same way, fast, and with a purpose. No one looks up or around; they just keep walking. But then something happens. Loss, a break up, a failure, and you’re forced to stop. You look around at where you are and realize it’s not at all where you thought you’d be. Everyone is still walking around you and you’re just standing, taking inventory. It’s scary and lonely, but oh so necessary.

You see, some people never look up. They let the flow of people pull them in the direction they think is forward. They forgot to treasure life because they’re always just trying to get to the next block. When your little bubble of false security is burst, you have a rare opportunity to choose the direction you want to go.

It’s terrifying realizing just how fragile and short life is. We have no control over that, only God knows. You may even feel paralyzed because of your new found knowledge, but you can’t let it bring you down. It’s meant to lift you up! To elevate you to new heights that you never even imagined before.

This is when my only knowledge of Lost comes in: Allow yourself to be scared for five seconds. And then get out there and live your life.

One…Two…Three…Four…Five…

Is This All There Is?

Boys, college, life, love, Uncategorized

 

Sorry, this is not a “Merry Christmas” post or a “Happy Birthday Jesus” post, no this is a “Wtf?!” post. This is a “I’m fed freaking up” post. A “Beyond done” post.

Is this really all there is? Is this the famed “dating game”? Have we really devolved so much that now I have to introduce myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Ali, you are single right?” Are relationships so unimportant that cheating is just a concept?

And I’m not talking about sleeping with other people. Cheating is more than that; I’m talking about the flirting. You know what I’m saying… The kind of flirting you wouldn’t do in front of your significant other–nor should you do in their absence!

I’m sorry, but I’m just a little confused. Disney and Hallmark shoved this whole knight-in-shining-armor BS down my throat, my entire life, and I just thought things would be a little different. Not this toad pond that I find myself wading through.

What happened to romance? Respect?? Honor??? And I’m not the most Notebook quoting girl on the block, but I know that there has to be something better than this… Isn’t there?

I didn’t expect some golden-haired god to come sweeping me off my feet, but I thought that he might be single at least.

I didn’t think there would be a boom-box blasting outside of my bedroom window, but I believed someone would look at me with admiration instead of lust.

I don’t think all guys are pigs, but damn could they get it together a little?

And no, I will not excuse their behavior. I don’t care if you’re worldly, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, or nothing at all, it doesn’t matter if you’re 5 or 95, you have no excuse to act like a buffoon when it comes to girls or women.

We’re not that confusing. We like to be hugged, kissed, held, and chocolate. Not too much to ask, right? I feel like men just have this already defeated attitude when it comes to women. We really don’t bite…Hard.

I mean if you want to approach me, be a man about it, but not an a**hole. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I’M GOING TO DO. Ask me if I would like to do something, and if I say no, GO AWAY.

I know that sometimes it takes trial and error to learn your way of talking to women, I get that. But it just seems like guys these day don’t understand the learning from your mistakes part. They’re like Einstein’s theory of insane.

Look I’m not trying to man hate, but it’s high time they get called out on some stuff! In the end you really need to be four things: Kind, courteous, respectful, and for the love of all things, be single!

 

Timing…

college

imgres-3

They say that timing is everything, and if you think about it, those people are right. From baking cookies, to falling for someone, timing can mean the difference between yummy deliciousness, and burnt horribleness (like my adjectives?).

The most common story of timing gone wrong, is the one where the boy falls for the girl, but the girl does not reciprocate (That can go the other way you know…). But what about the story where both parties involved have made known their affections for one another, but for whatever reason they still can’t be together. Maybe it’s because of family concerns, maybe it’s because of distance, or maybe–as in popular Shakespeare fashion–death comes in between the two love-birds.

I’m a firm believer in divine appointments, and seasons. Sometimes, those two things converge into a person. They’re the person whom you met in the most random way, or don’t even remember how you met at all. They’re the person who comes sweeping into your nice, comfortable life and turns everything upside-down. And they’re the person who you thought would never leave you, but as quickly as they appeared, sometimes they disappear even faster.

Some would say that the timing was off, that if you had just met at another point in time, in another place, etc, things would/could be different. But what if those people are wrong? What if, for some crazy reason, that person wasn’t meant to stay in your life forever? I call these people “seasonal”, because they come for a season–whether if to teach us something, or for us to teach them something, or even for just a few fond memories–and when that season is over, they start to wander away.

I’m finally starting to not only understand, but accept this as just “how the story goes” sometimes… Think of it this way, if you take the cookies out of the oven too early, they won’t be done, they’ll just be a gooey, hot mess (which depending on how you like your cookies isn’t a bad thing, but rabbit trail). However, if you leave them in the oven too long, they’ll burn (and I’m pretty sure no one likes burnt cookies; if you do, then ok, I guess). Same with people, take them out of your life too soon, and you could end up a gooey, hot mess, but leave them in your life after their time is up, and you both could end up getting burned…

Timing is everything, and unfortunately, sometimes we just don’t know who’s going to stay, and who has to go.

Names…

betrue, college, life, names

Most people, if asked, would not be able to tell you my name. I’m not talking about my Facebook name, or the countless other names I’ve associated myself with throughout the years, I’m talking about the name that’s on my birth certificate. The one that my parents spent months planning. The one that God purposed for me when He was deciding to put me in this world. This post is titled Names.. because for the next few paragraphs, I will take you through the three names that have mostly defined my life, and then explain why I have decided to take my name back.

The Story: 18 1/2 years ago, a woman and a man found out that they were going to be parents to a beautiful little girl (Ok they knew the girl part, the beautiful part was realized later). This commenced the “name game”. Books were read, advice was asked, but nothing was coming. Then one day the woman decided that she wanted something that meant strong and beautiful, but that wasn’t Alexandra. And then (so my mom says), she met one of the most beautiful women she has ever come across, and, in that moment, decided that her child would be named the same. Thus the girl was born!

Alex: Almost immediately after, people began to call said girl Alex, and she would go by this name for many years. Alex was quiet, most would say introverted; you could almost always find her with her nose in a book. She was smart and very much so in the tomboy phase. She loved Spongebob, and adored spending hours playing with her Barbies. Alex was a force to be reckoned with. She was independent, bossy even; but she didn’t care. Alex was Alex and she liked her that way…

Cea: Sometime during the Alex era, Cea was born. Now Cea wasn’t much different from Alex, but she liked her name a little better. Cea was definitely bossy, and she loved it. She had many younger peers who looked up to her, so she felt the need to mature and be the leader. Cea was constantly making up new games to play, and finding new adventures to go on. Cea was strong, and admired, and she liked that very much….

Ali: Just as quickly as the era of Cea began, it ended. Alex was revived for a little bit, but she knew it was a dying cause. Then, in high school, Alex realized that she could change, almost a “reinventing” of sorts. That’s when Ali came into the picture. Ali (Unfortunately called Ali as in Muhammad Ali at times), was very different from Alex. She was more of a girly girl, but had decided to put her dolls away. The strength was still there, but her streak of independence began to wane, and she became more of a “people pleaser”. Where as Alex was a little more quiet, Ali was outgoing, some might even call her extraverted. Ali loved to bake, and make people happy. She loved fashion and movies, but her never ceasing hunger for books was diminishing. Ali liked her name, and she thought she like herself, but she would have moments when looking in the mirror, felt the same as looking at a stranger. Then Ali began to wonder…

She began to question who she really was. Was she Alex, quiet, but independent? Was she Cea the leader? Or was she truly Ali, since most people seemed to like her that way? Then she realized was none of them apart, but all of them at once! She was not just one name, she was a name. The name that came to her mother those years ago. The name that God gave her. The name that trumped all others. But why did she let herself become divided? Why did she let people dictate who she was, because maybe they couldn’t say it right? That’s definitely not who she is. She is quiet, and introverted, but she also loves people. She is kind of a tomboy, but she can rock some heals and give make up tips. She is independent and strong, but she’s also learning what it means to listen and be vulnerable. She is all of these things, and she no longer wants to choose one name or the other; she is taking her name back….

In conclusion, don’t ever let people make you change your name. I know it sucks having to repeat it, or correct people, or in my case, write your name in phonetics for graduation. But guess what, your name is who you are. It’s not just a part of you, it is you, and if you let people change your name, you’re letting them change you. God put us here for a reason, not Alex/Cea/Ali, but me, He put me here for a reason. This is not to say that nicknames are bad, I have a few that I love (i.e. Coffee bean, bean, Gilly, etc), but they were never meant to take the place of my name; just be in addition to. Ok so, nicknames= not bad, changing your name to fit the world’s standards= not so great. And with that I will bid you all farewell.

*P.s. My name is Alexcea (pronouced Alex-see-ya)

This is my first attempt to write something interesting.

Uncategorized

Well, welcome!

Yes Marilyn, being normal is boring! So in an attempt to once and for all prove to the world that I am in fact, not normal, I have decided to blog.  In this sacred space, I will look at the world around me, and sometimes write about my observations. I say “sometimes” because, in addition to being a Gilmore Girls enthusiast, world renowned food connoisseur, and a full-time procrastinator, I am also a Neuroscience major! *cue crazy looks, and collective gasps*. So yeah, I don’t understand this mystical term called “free time”. However, when I do have some, I will report back here; just for the few people who will actually be reading this (I’m looking at you mom).

As you can probably already tell, I’m quite fluent in sarcasm, and because of that, I want this blog to be a mix of snarky fun, and serious cool (just like me). I’m no communications major, by any means, but they say practice makes perfect, so if John Green can write 2,000 words a day*, then I can write 200 once a week– sleep be damned!

I also want this to be interactive (because who wants to be written at all the time??). So occasionally I will post blogs with questions– they will not rhetorical–so please answer them in the comments. Other than that, I will leave with another quote from one of my favorite people, Marilyn Monroe:

“Fear is stupid, so are regrets.”

*S/O to Michael Henley for bestowing me with that fun-fact.