Why Father’s Day Isn’t Just For Fathers

college, family, life

A very long time ago, I lost my father to ALS. It was a couple of months before my third birthday– he had gotten sick just before my first. I was so young that I really don’t have any memories of him. Some would say it’s easier since I don’t know what I’m missing, but that’s not true. I’m very aware of what I’ve missed, but also what I’ve gained.

When I was in kindergarten we had a Father’s Day breakfast. As all of my friends’ dads showed up I started to finally get it: My dad wasn’t coming. I wasn’t going to show him my picture I drew or take him to my favorite slide on the playground. I became aware of my father’s absence that day. But even though I didn’t have my dad there to share pancakes with, I wasn’t alone. My amazing mom showed up to be with me. She was the only mom there, but that didn’t faze her, nothing really does.

After that day I had some pretty hard years. I knew there was nothing to miss of a man I couldn’t remember, and yet I missed everything. I wanted him at my recitals, and to teach me how to fish or play golf (his favorite sport). I wanted us to watch football together on Sundays, and for him to be the rock I sought out on my worst days. I didn’t even know what he sounded like. Even though I had many people to tell me how much he loved me and how proud he would be of me, it wasn’t him saying those things.

It cut pretty deep for a while, and led me to look for father figures in some not good places. But then one day I looked around me and saw all the men and women I had been blessed with.

I did learn to fish and play golf and I did have someone to come to my recitals and watch football with. I also had someone who taught me how to cook. Who made sure I had everything I wanted on my Christmas list. Who picked me up when I fell down, and taught me how much worth I have in this world. I had someone who was proud of me, and never let me forget it. I had many “someones” and they all stepped up to give me the daddy I so desperately desired.

I’ve come a long way since kindergarten. It still hits me sometimes though. That he didn’t get to see me graduate high school or torment my first boyfriend, that he won’t walk me down the aisle or cry when he holds his grandchild. But in those moments I remember who will be there and who has been there for me, and I am grateful.

Oh and I did finally find some old home movies. Everyone was right, he really did love me and would be very proud.

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The Feeling

college, life, love

There’s a special kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain where you can feel every pulse of your heartbeat, and with every breath that draws your chest upward, it’s like a thousand knifes bearing deeper into your soul.

All your nerve endings are on fire; searing, burning, screaming fire.

Then the tears come. Fast and hard. They fall from your face like fat goblets of truth. They burn your eyes as they leave them, further validating the pain you feel.

Then the screaming comes. Gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, ear-ringing screaming.

Finally, you’re so exhausted that all you can muster is a pitiful “please.” You silently plead with God, asking Him for them not to be gone.

But you know it’s for naught. And as you lay with your spent body in pieces the screaming will cease, the tears will dry up, your nerve endings will relax, and the pain will dull.

Because now it comes in moments, and you know that all you have to do is make it through.

Is This All There Is?

Boys, college, life, love, Uncategorized

 

Sorry, this is not a “Merry Christmas” post or a “Happy Birthday Jesus” post, no this is a “Wtf?!” post. This is a “I’m fed freaking up” post. A “Beyond done” post.

Is this really all there is? Is this the famed “dating game”? Have we really devolved so much that now I have to introduce myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Ali, you are single right?” Are relationships so unimportant that cheating is just a concept?

And I’m not talking about sleeping with other people. Cheating is more than that; I’m talking about the flirting. You know what I’m saying… The kind of flirting you wouldn’t do in front of your significant other–nor should you do in their absence!

I’m sorry, but I’m just a little confused. Disney and Hallmark shoved this whole knight-in-shining-armor BS down my throat, my entire life, and I just thought things would be a little different. Not this toad pond that I find myself wading through.

What happened to romance? Respect?? Honor??? And I’m not the most Notebook quoting girl on the block, but I know that there has to be something better than this… Isn’t there?

I didn’t expect some golden-haired god to come sweeping me off my feet, but I thought that he might be single at least.

I didn’t think there would be a boom-box blasting outside of my bedroom window, but I believed someone would look at me with admiration instead of lust.

I don’t think all guys are pigs, but damn could they get it together a little?

And no, I will not excuse their behavior. I don’t care if you’re worldly, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, or nothing at all, it doesn’t matter if you’re 5 or 95, you have no excuse to act like a buffoon when it comes to girls or women.

We’re not that confusing. We like to be hugged, kissed, held, and chocolate. Not too much to ask, right? I feel like men just have this already defeated attitude when it comes to women. We really don’t bite…Hard.

I mean if you want to approach me, be a man about it, but not an a**hole. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I’M GOING TO DO. Ask me if I would like to do something, and if I say no, GO AWAY.

I know that sometimes it takes trial and error to learn your way of talking to women, I get that. But it just seems like guys these day don’t understand the learning from your mistakes part. They’re like Einstein’s theory of insane.

Look I’m not trying to man hate, but it’s high time they get called out on some stuff! In the end you really need to be four things:┬áKind, courteous, respectful, and for the love of all things, be single!

 

Reality

Boys, college, life, love

I’ve been so uninspired lately. As you can tell from my last post, I’ve been mending a broken heart. If any of you have experienced this phenomenon, you know exactly how I feel…

The world just seems a little bit hollower; the sun not as bright; the colors not as full; and life just not as fulfilling. It certainly makes creativity hard-pressed to come by.

I’m not trying to make excuses for my radio-silence, rather give some insight into my life. I have tried to be as vulnerable and open here as possibly, but I’ve always tried to keep some semblance of veil between us.

I wanted to create a space not only where you all could  see me and how I handle issues of life, but where there was just enough room for you to disassociate me and insert yourself.

I hope I’ve done somewhat of a good job of that…

I have been keeping my mind busy at least. Books have begun to consume my life again (my finances are having a hard time keeping up with me ;). There’s just something about losing yourself to words on a page. If only for a little while, you get to break from reality and think of someone else’s problems.

It’s really refreshing. Haha there have been so many times when I’ve was completely engulfed in a book, that people have to yell my name multiple times. I mean, I’m already good at tuning people out, but give me a book, and it’s over.

Books are a great escape, but the thing about reality is, you can run from it, but you can’t hide. Sooner or later, you have to wake up and come to terms with your life. You have the choice between accepting your circumstances and being oppressed by them, or understanding them and working towards changing them (if that’s what you desire).

A really good friend of mine really slapped some sense into me last night– no, not literally– but even in its figurative state, he helped me to see that said guy had moved on, and I needed to as well. Feeling sad was ok, but I still needed to be moving forward and doing the things that make me happy.

So here I am, moving forward, doing the things that make me happy; not stuffing my sadness, but not letting it consume me either.

Time for me to go change my reality.

Xoxo, CB

To Have Loved and Lost…

college

They say it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all; my battered heart begs to differ sometimes… Love. It’s such a wonderfully terrible necessity of life. Before we begin, I want to announce now that this is not a ranty post about how sucky love is (false) or the stupidity of boys (true), but in its truest form, this post is just me talking to┬ásomeone I loved dearly. Someone who not only impacted my life, but who has shaped who I have become…

Two days ago, you would’ve been 89…

Two weeks ago, the family would’ve called one another frantically to talk about what to do for you, or what to get you. They would’ve bickered constantly about the time, place, and especially about what food to cook. Arguments would’ve inevitably sprung up, and eventually you would be called in to bring the peace, like you did so many times before.

One week ago, the final plans would be made. Feelings would be hurt, food and cooks would be selected, a place would be booked, and friends would be invited. Then I would call you, hear your gruff hello, say, “Hi Papou”, and you would say, “Hi baby!”. Then we would chat about school, and work, and the weather. I’d ask you what you wanted for your birthday, and you would most likely reply with, “I don’t know, just not shirts or socks!” After, I would apologize profusely for not being able to be home until Greek Easter, to which you’d say, “That’s ok baby, you’re doing good in your school, just focus on that and don’t stress too much.” Then we’d say I love you’s and goodbye’s and hang up.

One day ago, I’d be feeling guilty for not being there because how many birthdays do you have left? I’d hear all about the fights, food, gifts, and just plain gossip. I’d call to make sure you had a good day and that you got my gift. I’d try and get you to work FaceTime, but that would be a fail, and then we’d just give up and promise to talk again soon.

Today, I am sad. I’m sad because none of those things happened. There were no failed FaceTime attempts, no gifts lost in the mail, no food or fights, no planning or bickering, and you didn’t turn 89, at least not here with us. Not with me. No, we said our goodbyes 7 months ago… At least I know that our final words were, “I love you.”

So is it really better to have loved and lost? Most days I would say yes, because without those memories–without you–I wouldn’t be me. But some days, like today, I just miss you–and it hurts like hell.

Two days ago, you would’ve been 89…