The Feeling

college, life, love

There’s a special kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain where you can feel every pulse of your heartbeat, and with every breath that draws your chest upward, it’s like a thousand knifes bearing deeper into your soul.

All your nerve endings are on fire; searing, burning, screaming fire.

Then the tears come. Fast and hard. They fall from your face like fat goblets of truth. They burn your eyes as they leave them, further validating the pain you feel.

Then the screaming comes. Gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, ear-ringing screaming.

Finally, you’re so exhausted that all you can muster is a pitiful “please.” You silently plead with God, asking Him for them not to be gone.

But you know it’s for naught. And as you lay with your spent body in pieces the screaming will cease, the tears will dry up, your nerve endings will relax, and the pain will dull.

Because now it comes in moments, and you know that all you have to do is make it through.

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The Truth Hurts

college, life, love

You’re not who you thought you’d be.

He’s not who he said he was.

They didn’t care as much as you wanted them to.

Life is harder than you were prepared for.

Dreams die quicker than they should.

Sleep is way too fleeting.

Rest is almost impossible.

And somewhere along the way you just gave up.

But maybe you are who you’re supposed to be?

Yeah he sucked, but maybe the next guy won’t?

They weren’t your real friends and you knew it.

Disney is bullshit.

Dreams only die if you let them.

I mean, basically, you still won’t sleep.

Make time for rest. Demand it.

Giving up is not an option. Pour some coffee, turn on some music, put on some red lipstick and get your ass out there.

Dear Best Friend

college, friendship, life, love

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Dear Best Friend,

Wow. How did we get here?

Facebook.

We met on Facebook; we just happened to comment on the same post.

We saw each other once for coffee before coming out to school, under the guise of just having a familiar face on campus. I think the truth was that both of us were terrified of not having anyone.

Our friendship was born out of necessity, that much at least has not changed. Well, that’s true for me.

I need your friendship like peanut butter needs jelly. Like yin needs yang. And like a fish need water.

In other words, I would be completely lost without you.

Maybe you feel the same about me, but it’s ok if you don’t.

I never expected to care about someone this much, especially not someone I just met a year ago.

I love how if you tell the story of when we first met, you’ll say that you thought I hated you… Nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s so funny how only two weeks into our friendship, we had our first fight. Over something silly, but seemingly huge at the time.

The truth is that even two weeks into knowing you, I understood that you would be someone very important in my life. And that scared me.

I didn’t want to need you or your friendship. I was happy with my walls, they kept be safe. I couldn’t let you hurt me because that’s exactly what I knew you would do…

Fast forward one year and we’re right back to where we started: Fighting.

The past three days have been the worst probably in my life. I thought you hated me. That I would never be able to call you my best friend again. That everything you said to me was a lie.

I truly, honestly believed that.

Maybe I was being dramatic or overreactive, but that’s what you do when someone you love ignores you.

You freak out, and think of all the worst case scenarios out there, and then some.

I thought about how you wouldn’t be there at my wedding, giving a killer toast. Or how I wouldn’t be your kids’ Godmother and teaching them how to bake amazing cookies.

I thought about how sometimes the only safe place in this world to me is your hot, little dorm room.

You inspire me best friend.

You have more than helped me to become a better person, and for that I cannot thank you enough. And I thought I wouldn’t have the chance.

I don’t know where we go from here, I just know it can’t be back, but hopefully forward.

I also know that I love you best friend, and no matter how many fights, years, boyfriends, or girlfriends may separate us, I will always hold that love in my heart for you.

Love,

Your Best Friend

Reality

Boys, college, life, love

I’ve been so uninspired lately. As you can tell from my last post, I’ve been mending a broken heart. If any of you have experienced this phenomenon, you know exactly how I feel…

The world just seems a little bit hollower; the sun not as bright; the colors not as full; and life just not as fulfilling. It certainly makes creativity hard-pressed to come by.

I’m not trying to make excuses for my radio-silence, rather give some insight into my life. I have tried to be as vulnerable and open here as possibly, but I’ve always tried to keep some semblance of veil between us.

I wanted to create a space not only where you all could  see me and how I handle issues of life, but where there was just enough room for you to disassociate me and insert yourself.

I hope I’ve done somewhat of a good job of that…

I have been keeping my mind busy at least. Books have begun to consume my life again (my finances are having a hard time keeping up with me ;). There’s just something about losing yourself to words on a page. If only for a little while, you get to break from reality and think of someone else’s problems.

It’s really refreshing. Haha there have been so many times when I’ve was completely engulfed in a book, that people have to yell my name multiple times. I mean, I’m already good at tuning people out, but give me a book, and it’s over.

Books are a great escape, but the thing about reality is, you can run from it, but you can’t hide. Sooner or later, you have to wake up and come to terms with your life. You have the choice between accepting your circumstances and being oppressed by them, or understanding them and working towards changing them (if that’s what you desire).

A really good friend of mine really slapped some sense into me last night– no, not literally– but even in its figurative state, he helped me to see that said guy had moved on, and I needed to as well. Feeling sad was ok, but I still needed to be moving forward and doing the things that make me happy.

So here I am, moving forward, doing the things that make me happy; not stuffing my sadness, but not letting it consume me either.

Time for me to go change my reality.

Xoxo, CB

Timing…

college

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They say that timing is everything, and if you think about it, those people are right. From baking cookies, to falling for someone, timing can mean the difference between yummy deliciousness, and burnt horribleness (like my adjectives?).

The most common story of timing gone wrong, is the one where the boy falls for the girl, but the girl does not reciprocate (That can go the other way you know…). But what about the story where both parties involved have made known their affections for one another, but for whatever reason they still can’t be together. Maybe it’s because of family concerns, maybe it’s because of distance, or maybe–as in popular Shakespeare fashion–death comes in between the two love-birds.

I’m a firm believer in divine appointments, and seasons. Sometimes, those two things converge into a person. They’re the person whom you met in the most random way, or don’t even remember how you met at all. They’re the person who comes sweeping into your nice, comfortable life and turns everything upside-down. And they’re the person who you thought would never leave you, but as quickly as they appeared, sometimes they disappear even faster.

Some would say that the timing was off, that if you had just met at another point in time, in another place, etc, things would/could be different. But what if those people are wrong? What if, for some crazy reason, that person wasn’t meant to stay in your life forever? I call these people “seasonal”, because they come for a season–whether if to teach us something, or for us to teach them something, or even for just a few fond memories–and when that season is over, they start to wander away.

I’m finally starting to not only understand, but accept this as just “how the story goes” sometimes… Think of it this way, if you take the cookies out of the oven too early, they won’t be done, they’ll just be a gooey, hot mess (which depending on how you like your cookies isn’t a bad thing, but rabbit trail). However, if you leave them in the oven too long, they’ll burn (and I’m pretty sure no one likes burnt cookies; if you do, then ok, I guess). Same with people, take them out of your life too soon, and you could end up a gooey, hot mess, but leave them in your life after their time is up, and you both could end up getting burned…

Timing is everything, and unfortunately, sometimes we just don’t know who’s going to stay, and who has to go.

Spring Retreat….

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Nature is good for the soul… I’m sure that’s some sort of famous quote or something. I normally don’t identify myself as nature inclined, but I have to say that after living in LA for six months, I was beyond excited to see some green, and some stars!

For those of you that don’t know, I’m a part of an A-mazing Christian organization here on USC’s campus called Cru (formerly, Campus Crusades). Every fall and spring, Cru puts together a retreat; nothing crazy, just some Jesus loving people out away from school and getting some great hipster pictures for Instagram.

This past weekend we had our spring retreat (for those of you currently living in the Arctic, sorry the “East Coast”, it’s pretty much spring here #sorrynotsorry). What does spring retreat entail, you ask? Well, basically, over 80 college students packed their Bibles (and cameras) and heading to Santa Barbara for some “glamping”*. We spent two bitterly cold nights learning more about not only Jesus, but each other…. One of the greatest tools of the enemy is isolation; he wants us to feel alone, or like we’re the only people dealing with certain things. When, in reality, so many of us are hurting in the same way, and if we could just take 5 seconds of courage and be vulnerable with one another, there would be so much healing.

So to say that God showed up and showed out is a complete understatement. So much was broken in me, that I came back feeling 10lbs lighter! My eyes were open, my heart was softened, and my soul was refreshed.

Another wonderful tidbit of information: I brought along a friend with me, who God has definitely placed in my life, and at the beginning of the weekend she was agnostic; she left on Sunday believing in God and starving for more of His truth. Being completely honest, I was in tears just watching the beauty of one of His lost sheep being returned to the fold, and the fact the God intrusted me to help in that mission. I have not felt like the best daughter lately, but it just goes to show that we are not the ones who qualify us, God qualifies us. We don’t determine if/when we are worthy, Jesus died and declared we are always worthy. And we can’t decide when we deserve love, God is love and He said that we deserve Him.

So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, or undeserving, or unlovable, or any of the other many lies Satan throws at us, maybe you need a little spring retreat of your own! And if you can’t get to nature (I mean, snow), then get out your Bible, pour some coffee (or tea I guess), turn off the phone, GET OFF FACEBOOK, and spend some time being kind to your soul. He will remind you of who and who’s you are, and that your life is justified because of Jeremiah 1:5–go read it. I love you, God loves you, and that’s all that matters!

*Glamping= Glamour camping; this may or may not entail queen size beds, heaters, and indoor plumbing…But there are still bugs! images-1