The Girl in the Porcelain Doll

college, friendship, God, illness, life, love

If I had a dollar for every time someone commended me on being “strong”, I’d be a very rich woman.

In our society, being strong means balancing everything and everyone without breaking a sweat.

It means sleep deprivation and a borderline serious addiction to coffee.

It means meeting deadlines, no matter the cost to your sanity; or relationships.

It means not falling apart when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Sometimes I feel like a girl trapped inside a porcelain doll. I can feel myself beginning to crack; trying to escape this emotional prison, but I patch myself up time and again, for the fear that if I shatter, who will be there to pick up the pieces?

If I fall apart, who will hold the others together?

If I’m not Superwoman, who’s going to save the day?

But I’m not Superwoman.

I’m just a woman.

Sometimes, I just can’t withstand the pressure.

Sometimes, those few little cracks happen in the right places, and I can’t tape them back together; I shatter.

Sometimes, I’m PMSing with a stomach bug, missing deadlines, can’t clean my apartment, don’t have energy for love or friendship, and go through a great loss.

The mind is a fragile, terrifying, beautiful place. It is the entirety of you; it is the seat of your soul.

My mind is frazzled. My mind is tired of hiding emotions that I push aside because, “I just don’t have time to fall apart right now.”

My soul is tired. It’s tired of straining to hold up the mask .

My mouth is weary. It cannot utter the words, “I’m fine,” one more time.

So this is me being honest. This is me falling apart. This is me crying out the tears that have been burning a whole sitting in my stomach. This is me pouring out the emotions that have turned to bile and started to poison my heart.

This is me breaking free from my porcelain frame.

This is being strong.

 

 

 

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The Fog

college, life, Uncategorized

It rolls in, smooth and sure of itself like a lion stalking its prey.

You don’t see it coming though. It hits you all at once.

One moment you can see and the next you’re blinded by your own thoughts.

It’s thick and unforgiving.

The sun is completely shut out and confusion swirls around you.

You try to remember the moments before the fog set in, it’s impossible though.

Your mind is entirely clouded with fragments of thought. Nothing truly complete, just little snippets here and there.

Only enough to shroud you, but never so that you can fully understand what’s going through your brain.

You try to tell yourself that this won’t last forever, things will go back to normal, but then the thought comes in: “What is normal?”

So then you wonder if this is normal. Is the fog friend or foe? You don’t know. You don’t know anything.

You forget what it was you were thinking about seconds after it crosses your mind.

But then, just as quickly as it came, the fog swiftly and deftly rolls out of your mind and things are clear.

You look around and see that once again the landscape of your mind has changed.

And just like when you have to clean up after a storm tears through a town, you begin the reconstruction of yourself.

Look, the sun is out again.