I remember that day like it was happening right now.
It’s forever seared into my memory, gripping my mind so tight, I feel as if it might choke it.
It went along like any other day.
I thought there would be some feeling, almost a warning. That I would know.
But I didn’t.
I didn’t know anything.
I was blissfully ignorant.
Everyone else knew, but no one wanted to tell me.
They just couldn’t spoil my day; until they had to.
I remember looking into her eyes.
That’s when I knew.
There was no warning.
Only a tsunami of feelings.
Hatred. Regret. Fear. Denial. Anger. Sadness.
I couldn’t even hear the words coming out of her mouth.
I remember them, I just can’t remember hearing them.
The only thing I could hear was this internal scream, bubbling up from the depths of my soul, but not able to escape my mouth.
I saw the words she was saying. And that’s when I ran.
Only to the edge of the water.
But I ran.
I ran to you. From you. Around you.
And then I collapsed.
I collapsed in the sand yes, but also into every emotion that was pulling me down.
I collapsed into myself.
I hated you. I couldn’t believe you would leave me.
You. Who was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.
You left without me, to a place I couldn’t follow you to.
Oh I tried didn’t I?
But I still couldn’t come.
I regretted, and still do, all the time I didn’t spend with you.
I was afraid of this brave new world without you.
While I was only a fraction of your life, you were the entirety of mine.
I didn’t believe it, and sometimes still don’t.
My anger drove me to places, and left me there for dead.
But my sadness, it likes to sweep in and out of my life.
It takes my breath in its cold hands and locks it up tight.
It presses on my eyes until I’m forced to relieved the pressure with tears.
It drills a neat, little hole in the center of my heart. Just enough to hurt, but not enough to kill.
You see, I remember that day like I was living it right now, and today, I am.