The Truth Hurts

college, life, love

You’re not who you thought you’d be.

He’s not who he said he was.

They didn’t care as much as you wanted them to.

Life is harder than you were prepared for.

Dreams die quicker than they should.

Sleep is way too fleeting.

Rest is almost impossible.

And somewhere along the way you just gave up.

But maybe you are who you’re supposed to be?

Yeah he sucked, but maybe the next guy won’t?

They weren’t your real friends and you knew it.

Disney is bullshit.

Dreams only die if you let them.

I mean, basically, you still won’t sleep.

Make time for rest. Demand it.

Giving up is not an option. Pour some coffee, turn on some music, put on some red lipstick and get your ass out there.

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Living

college, life, love

Sometimes life really likes to try and get you down. You start to feel as if that next fake smile might be the one to finally shatter your soul, and unleash the flood of emotions you’ve been holding back.

It’s like we’re all walking down one long New York City street. Where everyone is walking the same way, fast, and with a purpose. No one looks up or around; they just keep walking. But then something happens. Loss, a break up, a failure, and you’re forced to stop. You look around at where you are and realize it’s not at all where you thought you’d be. Everyone is still walking around you and you’re just standing, taking inventory. It’s scary and lonely, but oh so necessary.

You see, some people never look up. They let the flow of people pull them in the direction they think is forward. They forgot to treasure life because they’re always just trying to get to the next block. When your little bubble of false security is burst, you have a rare opportunity to choose the direction you want to go.

It’s terrifying realizing just how fragile and short life is. We have no control over that, only God knows. You may even feel paralyzed because of your new found knowledge, but you can’t let it bring you down. It’s meant to lift you up! To elevate you to new heights that you never even imagined before.

This is when my only knowledge of Lost comes in: Allow yourself to be scared for five seconds. And then get out there and live your life.

One…Two…Three…Four…Five…

Remembering

college, life, love

I remember that day like it was happening right now.

It’s forever seared into my memory, gripping my mind so tight, I feel as if it might choke it.

It went along like any other day.

I thought there would be some feeling, almost a warning. That I would know.

But I didn’t.

I didn’t know anything.

I was blissfully ignorant.

Everyone else knew, but no one wanted to tell me.

They just couldn’t spoil my day; until they had to.

I remember looking into her eyes.

That’s when I knew.

There was no warning.

Only a tsunami of feelings.

Hatred. Regret. Fear. Denial. Anger. Sadness.

I couldn’t even hear the words coming out of her mouth.

I remember them, I just can’t remember hearing them.

The only thing I could hear was this internal scream, bubbling up from the depths of my soul, but not able to escape my mouth.

I saw the words she was saying. And that’s when I ran.

I ran.

Only to the edge of the water.

But I ran.

I ran to you. From you. Around you.

And then I collapsed.

I collapsed in the sand yes, but also into every emotion that was pulling me down.

I collapsed into myself.

I hated you. I couldn’t believe you would leave me.

You. Who was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.

You left without me, to a place I couldn’t follow you to.

Oh I tried didn’t I?

But I still couldn’t come.

I regretted, and still do, all the time I didn’t spend with you.

I was afraid of this brave new world without you.

While I was only a fraction of your life, you were the entirety of mine.

I didn’t believe it, and sometimes still don’t.

My anger drove me to places, and left me there for dead.

But my sadness, it likes to sweep in and out of my life.

It takes my breath in its cold hands and locks it up tight.

It presses on my eyes until I’m forced to relieved the pressure with tears.

It drills a neat, little hole in the center of my heart. Just enough to hurt, but not enough to kill.

You see, I remember that day like I was living it right now, and today, I am.

 

Is This All There Is?

Boys, college, life, love, Uncategorized

 

Sorry, this is not a “Merry Christmas” post or a “Happy Birthday Jesus” post, no this is a “Wtf?!” post. This is a “I’m fed freaking up” post. A “Beyond done” post.

Is this really all there is? Is this the famed “dating game”? Have we really devolved so much that now I have to introduce myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Ali, you are single right?” Are relationships so unimportant that cheating is just a concept?

And I’m not talking about sleeping with other people. Cheating is more than that; I’m talking about the flirting. You know what I’m saying… The kind of flirting you wouldn’t do in front of your significant other–nor should you do in their absence!

I’m sorry, but I’m just a little confused. Disney and Hallmark shoved this whole knight-in-shining-armor BS down my throat, my entire life, and I just thought things would be a little different. Not this toad pond that I find myself wading through.

What happened to romance? Respect?? Honor??? And I’m not the most Notebook quoting girl on the block, but I know that there has to be something better than this… Isn’t there?

I didn’t expect some golden-haired god to come sweeping me off my feet, but I thought that he might be single at least.

I didn’t think there would be a boom-box blasting outside of my bedroom window, but I believed someone would look at me with admiration instead of lust.

I don’t think all guys are pigs, but damn could they get it together a little?

And no, I will not excuse their behavior. I don’t care if you’re worldly, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, or nothing at all, it doesn’t matter if you’re 5 or 95, you have no excuse to act like a buffoon when it comes to girls or women.

We’re not that confusing. We like to be hugged, kissed, held, and chocolate. Not too much to ask, right? I feel like men just have this already defeated attitude when it comes to women. We really don’t bite…Hard.

I mean if you want to approach me, be a man about it, but not an a**hole. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I’M GOING TO DO. Ask me if I would like to do something, and if I say no, GO AWAY.

I know that sometimes it takes trial and error to learn your way of talking to women, I get that. But it just seems like guys these day don’t understand the learning from your mistakes part. They’re like Einstein’s theory of insane.

Look I’m not trying to man hate, but it’s high time they get called out on some stuff! In the end you really need to be four things: Kind, courteous, respectful, and for the love of all things, be single!

 

That’s What Love Is

college, love

 

Because that’s what love is…

It’s a weekend. It’s a day. It’s an exasperating moment.

A flicker, a glimpse, an impression of something not fully understood.

A ghost, haunting from the heart’s past.

A flittering hope that slips through the grasp, so that it is never truly had.

It pokes and prods, tantalizing, teasing.

You taste, but you cannot savor.

You can look, but you can’t touch.

“Feel me!” Screams the heart. “Grab me and never let me go.”

But ones fingers will falter. Emotions which once burned a brilliant red, begin to cool.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, nor next week, but one day you will wake up and realize that all you have left are your memories.

So that’s what love is; painful, finicky, and unfortunately worth it.

That’s what love is, and it sucks…

Dear Best Friend

college, friendship, life, love

images-6

Dear Best Friend,

Wow. How did we get here?

Facebook.

We met on Facebook; we just happened to comment on the same post.

We saw each other once for coffee before coming out to school, under the guise of just having a familiar face on campus. I think the truth was that both of us were terrified of not having anyone.

Our friendship was born out of necessity, that much at least has not changed. Well, that’s true for me.

I need your friendship like peanut butter needs jelly. Like yin needs yang. And like a fish need water.

In other words, I would be completely lost without you.

Maybe you feel the same about me, but it’s ok if you don’t.

I never expected to care about someone this much, especially not someone I just met a year ago.

I love how if you tell the story of when we first met, you’ll say that you thought I hated you… Nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s so funny how only two weeks into our friendship, we had our first fight. Over something silly, but seemingly huge at the time.

The truth is that even two weeks into knowing you, I understood that you would be someone very important in my life. And that scared me.

I didn’t want to need you or your friendship. I was happy with my walls, they kept be safe. I couldn’t let you hurt me because that’s exactly what I knew you would do…

Fast forward one year and we’re right back to where we started: Fighting.

The past three days have been the worst probably in my life. I thought you hated me. That I would never be able to call you my best friend again. That everything you said to me was a lie.

I truly, honestly believed that.

Maybe I was being dramatic or overreactive, but that’s what you do when someone you love ignores you.

You freak out, and think of all the worst case scenarios out there, and then some.

I thought about how you wouldn’t be there at my wedding, giving a killer toast. Or how I wouldn’t be your kids’ Godmother and teaching them how to bake amazing cookies.

I thought about how sometimes the only safe place in this world to me is your hot, little dorm room.

You inspire me best friend.

You have more than helped me to become a better person, and for that I cannot thank you enough. And I thought I wouldn’t have the chance.

I don’t know where we go from here, I just know it can’t be back, but hopefully forward.

I also know that I love you best friend, and no matter how many fights, years, boyfriends, or girlfriends may separate us, I will always hold that love in my heart for you.

Love,

Your Best Friend

Reality

Boys, college, life, love

I’ve been so uninspired lately. As you can tell from my last post, I’ve been mending a broken heart. If any of you have experienced this phenomenon, you know exactly how I feel…

The world just seems a little bit hollower; the sun not as bright; the colors not as full; and life just not as fulfilling. It certainly makes creativity hard-pressed to come by.

I’m not trying to make excuses for my radio-silence, rather give some insight into my life. I have tried to be as vulnerable and open here as possibly, but I’ve always tried to keep some semblance of veil between us.

I wanted to create a space not only where you all could  see me and how I handle issues of life, but where there was just enough room for you to disassociate me and insert yourself.

I hope I’ve done somewhat of a good job of that…

I have been keeping my mind busy at least. Books have begun to consume my life again (my finances are having a hard time keeping up with me ;). There’s just something about losing yourself to words on a page. If only for a little while, you get to break from reality and think of someone else’s problems.

It’s really refreshing. Haha there have been so many times when I’ve was completely engulfed in a book, that people have to yell my name multiple times. I mean, I’m already good at tuning people out, but give me a book, and it’s over.

Books are a great escape, but the thing about reality is, you can run from it, but you can’t hide. Sooner or later, you have to wake up and come to terms with your life. You have the choice between accepting your circumstances and being oppressed by them, or understanding them and working towards changing them (if that’s what you desire).

A really good friend of mine really slapped some sense into me last night– no, not literally– but even in its figurative state, he helped me to see that said guy had moved on, and I needed to as well. Feeling sad was ok, but I still needed to be moving forward and doing the things that make me happy.

So here I am, moving forward, doing the things that make me happy; not stuffing my sadness, but not letting it consume me either.

Time for me to go change my reality.

Xoxo, CB

Timing…

college

imgres-3

They say that timing is everything, and if you think about it, those people are right. From baking cookies, to falling for someone, timing can mean the difference between yummy deliciousness, and burnt horribleness (like my adjectives?).

The most common story of timing gone wrong, is the one where the boy falls for the girl, but the girl does not reciprocate (That can go the other way you know…). But what about the story where both parties involved have made known their affections for one another, but for whatever reason they still can’t be together. Maybe it’s because of family concerns, maybe it’s because of distance, or maybe–as in popular Shakespeare fashion–death comes in between the two love-birds.

I’m a firm believer in divine appointments, and seasons. Sometimes, those two things converge into a person. They’re the person whom you met in the most random way, or don’t even remember how you met at all. They’re the person who comes sweeping into your nice, comfortable life and turns everything upside-down. And they’re the person who you thought would never leave you, but as quickly as they appeared, sometimes they disappear even faster.

Some would say that the timing was off, that if you had just met at another point in time, in another place, etc, things would/could be different. But what if those people are wrong? What if, for some crazy reason, that person wasn’t meant to stay in your life forever? I call these people “seasonal”, because they come for a season–whether if to teach us something, or for us to teach them something, or even for just a few fond memories–and when that season is over, they start to wander away.

I’m finally starting to not only understand, but accept this as just “how the story goes” sometimes… Think of it this way, if you take the cookies out of the oven too early, they won’t be done, they’ll just be a gooey, hot mess (which depending on how you like your cookies isn’t a bad thing, but rabbit trail). However, if you leave them in the oven too long, they’ll burn (and I’m pretty sure no one likes burnt cookies; if you do, then ok, I guess). Same with people, take them out of your life too soon, and you could end up a gooey, hot mess, but leave them in your life after their time is up, and you both could end up getting burned…

Timing is everything, and unfortunately, sometimes we just don’t know who’s going to stay, and who has to go.

To Have Loved and Lost…

college

They say it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all; my battered heart begs to differ sometimes… Love. It’s such a wonderfully terrible necessity of life. Before we begin, I want to announce now that this is not a ranty post about how sucky love is (false) or the stupidity of boys (true), but in its truest form, this post is just me talking to someone I loved dearly. Someone who not only impacted my life, but who has shaped who I have become…

Two days ago, you would’ve been 89…

Two weeks ago, the family would’ve called one another frantically to talk about what to do for you, or what to get you. They would’ve bickered constantly about the time, place, and especially about what food to cook. Arguments would’ve inevitably sprung up, and eventually you would be called in to bring the peace, like you did so many times before.

One week ago, the final plans would be made. Feelings would be hurt, food and cooks would be selected, a place would be booked, and friends would be invited. Then I would call you, hear your gruff hello, say, “Hi Papou”, and you would say, “Hi baby!”. Then we would chat about school, and work, and the weather. I’d ask you what you wanted for your birthday, and you would most likely reply with, “I don’t know, just not shirts or socks!” After, I would apologize profusely for not being able to be home until Greek Easter, to which you’d say, “That’s ok baby, you’re doing good in your school, just focus on that and don’t stress too much.” Then we’d say I love you’s and goodbye’s and hang up.

One day ago, I’d be feeling guilty for not being there because how many birthdays do you have left? I’d hear all about the fights, food, gifts, and just plain gossip. I’d call to make sure you had a good day and that you got my gift. I’d try and get you to work FaceTime, but that would be a fail, and then we’d just give up and promise to talk again soon.

Today, I am sad. I’m sad because none of those things happened. There were no failed FaceTime attempts, no gifts lost in the mail, no food or fights, no planning or bickering, and you didn’t turn 89, at least not here with us. Not with me. No, we said our goodbyes 7 months ago… At least I know that our final words were, “I love you.”

So is it really better to have loved and lost? Most days I would say yes, because without those memories–without you–I wouldn’t be me. But some days, like today, I just miss you–and it hurts like hell.

Two days ago, you would’ve been 89…