24 Hours

family, life, love

We are all at once alive in one day,

and we die in one day.

Our entire lives can change in one day,

or they can stay the same in that same amount of time.

Within those 24 hours we have the power to love, hurt, give life, or take it away.

Everyday is a new step into the inevitable. Into the unknown. Into existence.

Each day is a gift–a fragile, finicky gift.

Life is not guaranteed, and a good one is not promised.

We must do our best to make the hours, minutes, and seconds count.

From the time you breath your first breath in thisĀ life,

until the day you breath your last,

you are a part of this world;

you are alive.

So why don’t you go out and make the most of it,

because today can be your day.

Be quick though,

the clock is ticking,

and time stops for no one.

An Open Letter To The Guys On The Row

Boys, college, God, life

Dear Guys on the row,

I want to thank you for comparing me to a dog today. I know that sounds a little counterproductive, but let me explain. I’m not thanking you because you decided to be a chauvinistic butt-head. Or because you almost brought me to tears. Or because you completely deflated the happy feeling I had in my heart.

No, I’m thanking you, because you reminded me of one thing: My worth, and identity, can no longer be wrapped up in what you think. The only One who can decide that is God, and He thinks I’m pretty freaking great. You see, I used to care so much about what you thought of me. Whether or not I was pretty, smart, funny, or clever enough, was all up to you. I let who I was become who you told me I was. But not anymore.

You proved to me once and for all that you will never see me the way He does. You’ll never be able to give me the approval I so desire, because you weren’t made to.

I’m sorry I ever put you in that position and that I ever elevated you to such heights in my mind. I can’t promise it won’t happen again, I am a 20 year old girl after all, but what I can say is that I will try.

I will try to believe the truth about myself. I will try to not care about what other people think about me. And I will definitely try to forget about what you said to me today.

Sincerely,

Dog Girl.

Angelina And Brad Are Breaking Up And Love Is Dead

college

Anyone with any social media presence will know by now that Hollywood power couple, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, have filedĀ for divorce. This day is history will henceforth be known as the day love died.

Granted starting a relationship in the middle of a marriage probably isn’t the way to go, but it seemed like maybe they had escaped Karma’s relentless grasp; they didn’t.

For over a decade we have watched these two not only rise to the top of their careers, but also become amazing parents and give the world an example on making it work. I’ll never forget the quote about how Brad took care of Angelina when she was in a dark place–his love brought her back to life people!!

But that, apparently, is in the past, and today Angelina has said goodbye to Brad. There have been some rumors of infidelity, but who knows why the two most perfect people decided to break up their perfect relationship. Why?!?!?!

I mean, who’s next? Jenna and Channing?! I need something bigger than myself to hold onto. Something that proves to me that true love exists, and can last longer than that time I tried to go vegan.

Idk what the Universe is up to right now, but it’s not feeling too good. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have studying to procrastinate on, Sex and the City to binge, and a bottle of wine to cry into. At least you can’t say I’m not busy!

 

Wondering

college, illness, life

I very often wonder about people…I wonder about the kind of life they live. I wonder if they have people they love and that love them. And sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to them to make them so damn awful.

Today, I wondered about the latter… It was earlier this afternoon. I was shopping with my–very hip–grandmother, when it hit me: A bathroom emergency (for all of my Crohns and Colitis friends, you know what I mean). I promptly left the store to find a restroom. Without going into too much detail, because let’s be honest no one wants details, I was accosted by a bathroom attendant who not only saw it fit to shame me in my current unfortunate circumstance, but also thought it was necessary to inform the rest of the bathroom patrons as to what was going on….

I’m not a violent person. Aside from very understandable road rage, I rarely raise my voice or yell at people. I’ve never cussed someone out (to their face), I’ve never hit anyone. I honestly just try to be kind, even to the assholes. I was that way today, even in the midst of her berating me, I tried my best to keep my peace and my composure, because, I wondered to myself, “Maybe something really bad happened to her to make her respond this way to me.”

I quickly left the bathroom thoroughly traumatized, and just ready to leave the mall entirely. When I recounted this interaction to my mother, she was obviously outraged (I’m just glad she wasn’t with me, pretty sure mall security would have been called…) but more than that she wanted me to understand something: I have nothing to be ashamed of, and moreover, I should stand up for myself more.

Not a novel idea, no, but one to me. I like to keep quiet. I don’t yell, I don’t scream, but I can speak. And I should’ve spoken to that women today. Hell I wish I had spoken to all the people who have shamed, embarrassed, and discriminated against me because of this illness I have. And there have been many.

I wish this woman was just a one off event, but she’s not. She’s quite honestly the norm. What people don’t understand they tend to be hateful towards (please do not turn this into a political post, it’s not). No this post is about me. And my illness. It’s not fun to talk about, it’s not sexy, and unlike what Hollywood would like you to believe, I do not have an Augustus Waters waiting for me at the end of the day. And yet I’m still sick.

I don’t want to be, I don’t want to think of myself as disabled, but according to the government, I am. I hate not being free to do everything people my age should be able to do. I’ve never liked the word no. And still, here I am.

Sure, it could be worse. I could have a potentially fatal, incurable disease that takes over my life at the most inopportune of times. Oh wait…

So, what should you take away from all of this, truthfully? I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to rant. Maybe it’s for someone who should be kinder to the people they don’t understand. And maybe no one will even read this, but it’s here. And just like my disease, it’s real.

Why Father’s Day Isn’t Just For Fathers

college, family, life

A very long time ago, I lost my father to ALS. It was a couple of months before my third birthday– he had gotten sick just before my first. I was so young that I really don’t have any memories of him. Some would say it’s easier since I don’t know what I’m missing, but that’s not true. I’m very aware of what I’ve missed, but also what I’ve gained.

When I was in kindergarten we had a Father’s Day breakfast. As all of my friends’ dads showed up I started to finally get it: My dad wasn’t coming. I wasn’t going to show him my picture I drew or take him to my favorite slide on the playground. I became aware of my father’s absence that day. But even though I didn’t have my dad there to share pancakes with, I wasn’t alone. My amazing mom showed up to be with me. She was the only mom there, but that didn’t faze her, nothing really does.

After that day I had some pretty hard years. I knew there was nothing to miss of a man I couldn’t remember, and yet I missed everything. I wanted him at my recitals, and to teach me how to fish or play golf (his favorite sport). I wanted us to watch football together on Sundays, and for him to be the rock I sought out on my worst days. I didn’t even know what he sounded like. Even though I had many people to tell me how much he loved me and how proud he would be of me, it wasn’t him saying those things.

It cut pretty deep for a while, and led me to look for father figures in some not good places. But then one day I looked around me and saw all the men and women I had been blessed with.

I did learn to fish and play golf and I did have someone to come to my recitals and watch football with. I also had someone who taught me how to cook. Who made sure I had everything I wanted on my Christmas list. Who picked me up when I fell down, and taught me how much worth I have in this world. I had someone who was proud of me, and never let me forget it. I had many “someones” and they all stepped up to give me the daddy I so desperately desired.

I’ve come a long way since kindergarten. It still hits me sometimes though. That he didn’t get to see me graduate high school or torment my first boyfriend, that he won’t walk me down the aisle or cry when he holds his grandchild. But in those moments I remember who will be there and who has been there for me, and I am grateful.

Oh and I did finally find some old home movies. Everyone was right, he really did love me and would be very proud.

I’m Still Me

betrue, college, life

I’m still me…

With the crazy, frizzy, curly hair.

I’m still me, with the imperfect boobs.

I’m still me, with a muffin top.

I’m still me, with the giant zit.

I’m still me, without makeup.

I’m still me, with sweatpants on.

I’m still me, with the stretch marks.

I’m still me, during the mood swings.

I’m still me, when the dark moments come.

I’m still me, when you don’t see my worth.

I’m still me, when you do.

I’m still me, when I don’t know who ‘me’ is.

I’m still me, when I’m just…me.

The Fog

college, life, Uncategorized

It rolls in, smooth and sure of itself like a lion stalking its prey.

You don’t see it coming though. It hits you all at once.

One moment you can see and the next you’re blinded by your own thoughts.

It’s thick and unforgiving.

The sun is completely shut out and confusion swirls around you.

You try to remember the moments before the fog set in, it’s impossible though.

Your mind is entirely clouded with fragments of thought. Nothing truly complete, just little snippets here and there.

Only enough to shroud you, but never so that you can fully understand what’s going through your brain.

You try to tell yourself that this won’t last forever, things will go back to normal, but then the thought comes in: “What is normal?”

So then you wonder if this is normal. Is the fog friend or foe? You don’t know. You don’t know anything.

You forget what it was you were thinking about seconds after it crosses your mind.

But then, just as quickly as it came, the fog swiftly and deftly rolls out of your mind and things are clear.

You look around and see that once again the landscape of your mind has changed.

And just like when you have to clean up after a storm tears through a town, you begin the reconstruction of yourself.

Look, the sun is out again.

 

 

The Feeling

college, life, love

There’s a special kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain where you can feel every pulse of your heartbeat, and with every breath that draws your chest upward, it’s like a thousand knifes bearing deeper into your soul.

All your nerve endings are on fire; searing, burning, screaming fire.

Then the tears come. Fast and hard. They fall from your face like fat goblets of truth. They burn your eyes as they leave them, further validating the pain you feel.

Then the screaming comes. Gut-wrenching, breath-stealing, ear-ringing screaming.

Finally, you’re so exhausted that all you can muster is a pitiful “please.” You silently plead with God, asking Him for them not to be gone.

But you know it’s for naught. And as you lay with your spent body in pieces the screaming will cease, the tears will dry up, your nerve endings will relax, and the pain will dull.

Because now it comes in moments, and you know that all you have to do is make it through.

The Truth Hurts

college, life, love

You’re not who you thought you’d be.

He’s not who he said he was.

They didn’t care as much as you wanted them to.

Life is harder than you were prepared for.

Dreams die quicker than they should.

Sleep is way too fleeting.

Rest is almost impossible.

And somewhere along the way you just gave up.

But maybe you are who you’re supposed to be?

Yeah he sucked, but maybe the next guy won’t?

They weren’t your real friends and you knew it.

Disney is bullshit.

Dreams only die if you let them.

I mean, basically, you still won’t sleep.

Make time for rest. Demand it.

Giving up is not an option. Pour some coffee, turn on some music, put on some red lipstick and get your ass out there.